survival skills essential to the ADHD journey

( this is me offering advice)

                                   

Because I've lived through what I lovingly refer to as the "ADHD Apocalypse" and I've come out on the other side fairly unscathed(ok alive) I thought I would write a post about a few things that I learned were absolutely essential skills for those with ADHD, or those caring for/living with an AHDH'er.
You will find I'm not talking about timers or gadgets or calendars or organizational tools but  I'm talking mostly about communication skills, and mindfulness because these two things are absolutely essential! Not just for those with AHD but everyone really. To me, in the end relationships are the most important thing in this world and if you don't know yourself or how to communicate effectively, relationships suffer.

Because I've walked through house fires(notice this is plural, two within 8 months. total losses), IEP's, parent teacher meetings, principal parent meetings, parent 50 million educators meetings, board of educator meetings, too numerous to count pissed off teacher phone calls, a few cop meetings, sherrif's offices, jail cells, lawyers,court rooms, and labor rooms,(alone) I've learned a few things about what works with people and what doesn't. I've also learned a few things about myself. So I want to share with the confused, the frustrated, the angry, the frightened and the sad who may find themselves embarked upon the ADHD journey.

First and foremost you are the most important thing in your life. If you don't take care of your health and well being you can't do anything to help yourself or anyone else.  Mental health is KEY in this journey, so that means you have to invest time in getting to know yourself, your feelings, your reactions and your thoughts. The most important thing I've ever done is learning how to name/identify what I am feeling, what thoughts go along with that feeling and where exactly they arise in my body, how they feel. This is something believe it or not i learned without a therapist.

The book I read that guided me in this was Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.  From it I learned that I could observe my thoughts and how they affect my body. In other words I practice stillness or mindfulness. I was doing this waaaaay before therapist were recommending it. I practiced it diligently and I learned how to identify my feelings and how they felt in my body. I got really good, because I was tired of living a painful, frustrating life.

Then along came a book called "The Work" by Byron Katie and from it i learned how to identify and question my stressful thoughts to see if they were really true. And I currently have 3 or 4 notebooks filled with my work on stressful thoughts. This is when my ADHD outbursts REALLY began to calm down. This is when my relationship with my mother began to smooth out, and this is when I began to listen to my children without scaring them with my HUGE reactions to things they told me.

Practicing non-reaction is good for you and everyone. I highly recommend it. The only way to practice non-reaction is to observe your thoughts and how they affect you and challenge the stressful ones. They are never true. Once my chilren realized they could tell me things and I wouldn't explode they pretty much told me any and everything (God help me). I had to explain to them there were some things I didn't need to know. Practicing mindfulness will help you SLOW DOWN. Mindfulness is powerful.

Another essential skill is assertive communication.  Not aggressive communication but assertive. Read everything you can get your hands on about it and watch in amazement how relationships change, with everyone! I can not stress enough. Educate yourself! Assertive communication is a very powerful(and empowering life skill). I've added a link for assertive communication info.  ENJOY.

Im going to end this post here with this final thought/tool--FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT.  Practice these skills and when you feel intimidated fake it. You are not transparent. No one will know.
In my next post we will look further at assertive communication and talk about universal thoughts.

What Granny Trejo wishes she had known

Like all parents who get an ADHD diagnosis well into adulthood
I too went through the phase "I wish I'd known..."

For a minute.
But that thought did create a storehouse of information
I've wanted to write down for other parents raising children now.

So add this list to your survival packs kids, and take some time to get still(riiiight)
and just reflect.

1. Parenting is freaking HARD EXHAUSTING BORING and TEDIOUS.

    Your life is certainly no longer your own, and don't be surprised if you

     find yourself in the midst of a great big ole identity crisis.

2. Acceptance is key. Accept that it is hard, exhausting, boring, and tedious.

    What you resist persists.  Trust Granny on this one.

3. There is no such thing as a PERFECT PARENT.

     Quit comparing.  If we all threw our shit down

      in a great big pile-we'd all pick our own back up again.

4. Create a support group around you. If you have no family or friends

    look for a support group on line.  There are tons.

    We cannot do this alone. None of us.

    We're all just walking each other home. I truly believe this

    

 5. If you think you might have ADHD or one of your kids or your spouse,

     Do yourself a favor and seek out a Psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD

     or at least has experience treating ADHD patients.

 6. Along with a Psychiatrist that specializes or has experience

     find a therapist who has experience treating ADHD patients.

    

 7. Never, ever hesitate to fire any Psychiatrist or therapist

     that you think is not listening to you or serving you in your best interest.

     They work for you. You are paying them. I went through my share finding good ones.

 8.  Don't lie to the professional you hire. 

      They need honesty in order to utilize their skills to the fullest.

      Don't worry about the outcome of ADHD testing. If you are being

      honest with yourself and suspect you have ADHD you probably do.

      So whatever testing you go through, go through it honestly and giving it your best.

 9.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to be an empowered patient.

      Educate, Educate, Educate yourself.  We only go through this life once so

      get interested in yourself! What makes you tick. I've included my favorite resources

      at the top of the page.  There are many more.
      Stick with the facts and the Professionals.

      Lots of misinformation abounds.

10. Big reactions never got anyone anywhere, especially when dealing with healthcare

      professionals.  So find your zen place before your appointment and practice non-reaction

      in your life.  You can do this.  I did.  Sometimes appointments get changed, or take awhile to

      get.  That is life. Accept it.

11. It may take a few tries before you hit upon the right doc, therapist, and medication.

      So understand this going in and accept it. It feels really crappy to be frustrated and angry.

      Even though I really don't feel like an adult, I know I am one, and that means handling

      frustration in a mature adult manner. Acceptance is key.

12. Un-invite any and all people from ADHD conversations if they don't believe it's real.

       Or if they have not bothered to educate themselves about ADHD.
       And I mean all people.

       That includes parents, siblings, spouses, and even children too.

       It can be done.
        I did it and my levels of frustration and irritation went way down. 

       At first, especially if its family they may keep trying to engage you.  Stand firm, and say

       "I don't have ADHD conversations with people who have not educated themselves about it.

        If need be repeat that over and over, eventually they give up.

 13. The ONLY person who really needs to understand the diagnosis is you. And it's not true that

        you "need" family to understand it.  It would be great if they did, but lot's of times they don't.

       That's ok. You can find plenty of intelligent, understanding people elsewhere. 

 14. Lastly(yep I never shut up)learn how to laugh at yourself. 

       You are fine just the way you are.

        Life is short.  Be kind to yourself. Hug your kids.

     

Raising 3 ADHD kids alone and undiagnosed

My children are grown and gone.
I'm one granddaughter in at this point.
No I will not be surprised if one day she also is diagnosed with ADHD.

My experience raising 3 ADHD children alone was definitely war-like and chaotic.
Two of my boys had been diagnosed but I didn't want them treated.
Basically because I was an unenlightened jack-ass.
I think I actually called Ritalin Meth(cringe)

I can still remember the rage in the psychiatrist's face when I told him
I didn't want to put my boys on a drug that is addictive.

Actually part of my reasoning was sane.
Addiction had already claimed the lives of several people I loved.
Recently it claimed another.
So part fear, part ignorance/arrogance/jack-assness.

My only regret in life is not medicating my middle son.
I believe his school, and social experiences would have been much better.
But I was alone in this.
No one to bounce things off of, and I shut down on this issue.

But he did survive, we all did.

However growing up in home ADHD was certainly not without fallout
By the time I hit mid-life I was in a deep depression.
I've always lived with depression.
These days I accept I always will and stay on top of treatment.

But that was not always so....

Long road to diagnosis

Women with ADHD are often misdiagnosed well into adulthood.

I was.

Depression they said (yep i was depressed)
then generalized anxiety disorder(yeah ok, who doesn't have that).

Then every freaking medical test known to man.
healthy as a horse.

Some people thought i was using drugs.
I wasn't.
I remember distinctly a boss that asked me that years ago and i was floored!
What?!?

What could i possibly be doing to make him think that?
I was dumbfounded.

I am often referred to as a free spirit and im good with that.

All my life I've heard:
"I know you are so smart, why can't you finish things, keep your house orderly, find your keys, maintain a budget, pay your bills on time?" blah blah blah.
Really kills the old self esteem after awhile, especially because I knew I was smart.

HOWEVER newsflash!!
My ADHD symptoms have nothing whatsoever to do with my intelligence!
Neither do yours.

I was so tired, so unmotivated, so overwhelmed and so deeply depressed.
I couldn't understand how mom's could keep their house clean.
how they kept track of their kids school stuff
how they maintained "star" charts
and had sit down dinners every single night!

And so it went on like this until I was 46.
At 46 I gave up wondering what was wrong with me.
I was deeply depressed and decided i was going to have a time out and a tune up.
I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and began going to group therapy.

It was there a Psychiatrist after observing group for a month suggested I take a test for ADHD.
So I did, but i was confused.
I was not hyper I was exhausted.
And i was woefully uneducated regarding ADHD despite the fact my two boys had already been diagnosed.

The Psychiatrist let me know that i had ADHD-PI.
Im sure my mouth dropped open before the sentence
"oh bullshit!! I'm not ADHD, im exhausted not hyper!" flew from my mouth almost as fast as the thought entered my brain.

He chuckled and said that fatigue was a symptom of ADHD of the primarily innattentive type.
My eyes began to glaze over and he said, come into my office(we had been in the hallway)
He gave me a book called "Women and ADD" by Sari Solden and said "take this home and read it"

So I did.
I took that book home and read it.

Twice in two days.

And I cried. But they were not tears of sadness.
They were tears of amazement.
They were tears of relief.
They were tears of joy.

Because that mystery I'd been trying to unlock for years

all the searching, all the reading, all the doc appointments
all the therapy appointments in an attempt to discover that mystery
and live and maintain
a good ordinary
orderly
daily life with good mental health

that mystery had been revealed to me
after I gave up my search

It felt like christmas when i was a kid
and i got that present I'd REALLY been hoping for

I literally felt LIGHTER
and I knew
that now my life was going to be different

Because I knew now what i was dealing with
and I knew I had a wealth
of information at my fingertips

Nothing could stop me now...